


The Ol' Collection of Shorts

by Calamityjim



Series: Bird's Night Out [6]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Kidnapping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29253996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calamityjim/pseuds/Calamityjim
Summary: Short stories that fit into the Bird's Night Out Series but aren't really long/important enough to have their own place.
Series: Bird's Night Out [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138775
Comments: 24
Kudos: 177





	The Ol' Collection of Shorts

**Author's Note:**

> Shovel speeches. 
> 
> warnings: references to underage, but not extreme underage. Normal teenage underage stuff, at least in my country. This one is ridiculous and crack and while I firmly do not believe in shovel speeches, if the Bat boys did this is how they'd look.

Kon woke up to the sickly feeling of green and the internal scream of  _ not again. _ The Titan’s Tower was supposed to be safe. They’d  _ made  _ it safe after finding Tim half beaten to death in the basement. How had someone gotten in?

Kon tried to push himself up, to roll so he could at least see who his attacker was, but a single hand on his shoulder was enough to restrain him, enough to push him into the bed. A second hand, a second  _ set _ of hands, wrapped a blindfold around his eyes. 

When he felt the bag prod at his lips he began to twist despite the poison flooding his veins. 

But whoever had him was strong. They pinched his jaw and slid the ball behind his teeth. Ropes were wrapped around his wrists, his arms, his legs. Without access to his powers he was trapped, weak, helpless as any human and he was  _ absolutely  _ terrified. 

It was hard to track what was happening. He’d never been blinded before, never been without his ability to see. He  _ thought _ he was descending but it was hard to tell. His kidnappers made no noise. If it wasn’t for the hands on his body he would have half assumed he was being kidnapped by Martians… or ghosts. 

The green grew deeper and he swallowed back poison. He hated kryptonite with a passion and this was not helping that. He’d felt helpless before, weak before, but never anything like this. 

Suddenly he was tossed onto something scratchy. Into something scratchy. He couldn’t stretch his legs all the way out. A slam confirmed what he suspected. 

A car trunk. 

With the kryptonite. 

All he could do was moan as the vehicle took off.

X-x-x-x-x-x-x 

The first thing he noticed when he came to was that the gag was gone. So was the blindfold. The kryptonite poisoning remained and had been joined by a throbbing exposure headache. He needed sunlight, and a lot of it. Something he wasn’t going to find in this barn. 

“Awake yet, princess?” came a mechanical voice and Superboy struggled to focus. Brown leather. Red helmet.

Red Hood. 

Oh fuck he was going to die. 

“Go to hell,” Kon snarled, but his voice was weak. It came out as more of a breath. 

The Red Hood shrugged. “Been there. Got a nifty t-shirt but they wouldn’t let me cross the veil with it.” 

“What do you want?” he rasped. 

“Just to talk,” and that voice sent a shock of betrayal coursing through Kon’s viens.

“Nightwing?” he gasped.

The hero, the very first sidekick, stepped into his view. “Hey, Superboy,” he said in a cheery tone. “I’d apologize for the drama but you debauched my little brother so.” Nightwing shrugged. 

Oh Rao. They’d found out about him and Robin. Was that why they’d teamed up? Red Hood to hurt Robin by hurting Kon, and Nightwing to protect him through the same action? It was crazy, but even Nightwing was from Gotham. 

“I wasn’t his first!” Kon blurted. It was true. Apparently Robin had fooled around with a civilian friend.

Nightwing went still in only the way that a Bat could. “Oh, well, we’ll deal with that later.”   
  
“Yeah,” growled the Red Hood. “We’ve got some questions for you.”

Nightwing nodded. “How did you seduce Robin?”

“I didn’t!” Robin had made the first move, though Kon could hardly call it seduction. ‘Hey, we’re both teenage boys and being superheroes makes dating hard. Wanna blow off steam?’ wasn’t exactly the words that romances were built upon.   
  
Red Hood tilted his head to the side until his neck cracked and never before had Kon understood why people considered that sound ominous. They clearly didn’t believe him, but moved onto the next question. 

“Do you catch or pitch?”

Kon blinked. What the hell kinda question was that? “I don’t play sports!”

“Sexually,” Nightwing said, as though that was some kind of clarification. 

Kon stared at him, praying that Robin would come save him because Kon was certain he was going to leave here in pieces if the dark looks he was getting were any indication. He didn’t know that someone could give a dark look through a helmet. “I don’t play sports sexually! What does that even mean?”

The Red Hood snapped his fingers. “Anal sex. Do you penetrate or are you penetrated?”

“I- I.” Kon stuttered, his face heating. “I’ve never had,” oh Rao his face was burning with embarrassment, “anal sex.”

He could feel the weight of judging stares on his shoulders. 

“Robin said you were fucking,” Nightwing supplied and holy shit Kon was going to kill Robin if he survived this. Though he supposed it was his own damn fault for trying to keep a secret from the Bats. 

“We are just  _ fooling around _ !” Kon protested. “Just, touches and shit. Ha-hand jobs and stuff. Making out. Oh Rao.” He could feel his chest heaving. Did Batman know?  _ Did Batman know? _

Red Hood focused all his attention on Kon and the Kryptonian wanted to vanish through the floor. Or die. Dying might actually be a safer option. “Are you going to treat Robin right?”

“Right?” Kon couldn’t stop from sounding hysterical. 

“Dates and shit,” Red Hood continued. “Wining and dining because if you are just stringing him along to scratch an itch, well, you’ve seen how easy you are to get to.”

“Yeah!” Kon shouted. “Got you! Full seduction! Promise!”   
  
Nightwing nodded. “Great,” he said cheerily, “because if you break Robin’s heart there will be one less Kryptonian on the planet.”

“No broken hearts!” Kon swore fervently. “Full commitment!”

“Good enough for me,” the Red Hood said. He looked to Nightwing, who nodded. The Red Hood pulled something from his jacket and a white light filled the burn. 

By the time Kon had blinked away the afterburn he was alone in the barn. 

At least the Kryptonite was gone.

X-x-x-x-x-x

“Easy, Kon. They weren’t going to hurt you. No, we don’t have to date now. That would be weird. The Red Hood? Turns out he’s my brother. It’s a thing. Yes, I get that it’s weird but it’s  _ Gotham _ . I promise they won’t kidnap you from your bed again. Pinky promise. Jesus, no, I already said we are  _ not _ dating. Yes, I’ll talk to them. They’ll listen. They weren’t being serious anyway. I already said I’ll go talk to them. Take care, Kon. I’ll text you later, okay?”

Tim hung up the phone. He took a deep breath, opened his door, and screamed into the hallway. 

  
“ _ Which one of you fuckers thought it was a good idea to terrorize my friend with benefits? If he drops out of this I will ruin both of you!  _ **_I know how to use photoshop!”_ **


End file.
